Media · Music

Song of the Week – Best of Christmas (Part Three)

This week, I’m going to share my top five…
This is the Worst Michael Scott
ehhh, least favorite Christmas songs.

Let’s face it – every year there is a rash of songs that get released in the hopes that at least one of them will become the next “White Christmas” or “Jingle Bells.” But while most of these offerings vanish by next Christmas, and a rare few become classics, there are many that get relegated into the weird tastes bin. So these are my picks for “best” worst Christmas songs.

(Just a side note: I included links to complete versions of these songs, so the links were good as of the time and day I originally posted this. Should they expire some time in the future, I apologize in advance and ask that you do not blame me. I did not break the Internet. I will apologize, though, if any of these songs drive you batty. They drive me batty, too.)

Sci-fi Fantasy Lit Chick’s Top Five “Best” Worst Christmas Songs:

Honorable Mention: “Mistletoe” – Justin Bieber.
To be fair, if this was my top six picks of least favorite Christmas songs, Bieber’s tune would squarely belong there. But since I’m only highlighting five, this was the only place to include it. (Chiefly because, yes, there actually are other songs I like less than this one.) I dislike this song mainly because it really has nothing to do with Christmas, from its standard acoustic melody (that sounds like a rip off of Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours”) to its lyrics. Granted, it tosses in Christmas references like snow and Santa, but in reality this track is just another “baby-I-want-to-make-out-with-you” song. In a word…
At least I don’t want to hear Justin Bieber sing a come-on song to me. Let Jude Law take a stab at this and it becomes a whole different story…
Link (in case you’re just dying to hear this):

Cold Outside
5. “Baby It’s Cold Outside” – Margaret Whiting and Johnny Mercer
This song has a fun beat and it’s an actual duet (meaning it honestly couldn’t be sung by a solo artist), so it has that much going for it. But lyrically, this song gives me the creeps. Allow me to sum them up: essentially, a guy sees a pretty lady to his place and wants her to stay with him during a snowy winter’s night despite the fact she keeps insisting she wants to go. Top it off with him offering her holiday booze and you’ve got a set up for a compromising situation. Granted, this song doesn’t have the sinister quality to it as a certain repulsive Robin Thicke song that shall not be named, but it’s a bit too questionable to even be funny. So why does it outrank Justin Bieber, of all people? Well, at least to Bieber’s credit, the speaker in his song isn’t intent on getting his female squeeze drunk.
Link (in case you’re just dying to hear this):

4. “Christmas Tree” – Lady Gaga
Musically, this is a lively track (thanks to EDM producer/DJ Space Cowboy). But the lyrics? They make Justin Bieber’s offer of kissing under the mistletoe and Mercer’s alcohol-laced intentions G-rated. They say sex sells but I don’t think that applies to Christmas songs. Likewise, the music, which tries too hard to sound Christmasy, comes across as sounding cheesy and childish. Though maybe that’s what Gaga was going for in order to off-set the very adult nature of the song. In any case, this track isn’t a standout of Lady Gaga’s and it just might be one even she will be glad to forget.
Link (in case you’re just dying to hear this):

3. “Feliz Navidad” – Jose Feliciana
Normally, I love hearing Christmas songs sung in other languages and I appreciate tracks that rep for other cultures. But this has to be one of the most annoying songs ever made. The music is monotonous (despite its attempts to add regional flavor) and the vocals are just a bear to listen to. Likewise, the song itself goes on forever as the lyrics just repeat themselves (and that complaint is coming from an EDM connoisseur where repeated lyrics are the norm). Overall, this is like the “Hey Jude” of Christmas songs and not in a good way.
Link (in case you’re just dying to hear this):

2. “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” – Elmo and Patsy
I struggled over whether or not to let this song take the top spot as my least favorite Christmas song. It’s a very, very close contender for first place (though, unfortunately, there is a song that is actually worse). I hate everything about this song and, yes, I know hate is a strong word and I’m usually very open-minded when it comes to music. But this? This is just…
Make it stop I can't listen
I honestly don’t know where to begin. For starters, the vocals are terrible. I’m sorry, but there’s probably a good reason why this was a one hit wonder. Secondly, the music is annoying beyond belief. I dislike country music but this just takes everything I already don’t like about a genre and makes it even more unlikable. Lastly, the lyrics are stupid. Downright stupid. I can handle lazy, dumb, even nonsensical lyrics provided the music is listenable and the vocals are good. But this is just repulsive. The story of the song is fairly mean-spirited when you think about it. I don’t find it offensive but I definitely don’t find it funny. It’s too moronic to be funny. And don’t even get me started on the music video to this song.

Yes, there is an actual music video for “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.”
Aaahhh Todd
God help us all.
Link (in case you’re just dying to hear this…as well as watch it):

1. “Santa Claus Got Stuck in My Chimney” – Ella Fitzgerald
I want to state upfront that I love Ella Fitzgerald, so this song’s position at the top of this list has nothing to do with my dislike of the singer performing it. It’s also musically passable. Not great, but not as atrocious as the previous song.

So why does it take the top spot? Well, allow me to share with you some of the lyrics and I’ll let you take a guess:
Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney,
Stuck in my chimney,
Stuck in my chimney,
Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney,
He won’t come back, I fear!

There he was in the middle of the chimney,
Roly-poly, fat and round.
There he was in the middle of the chimney,
Not quite up and not quite down!

Santa, please come back to my chimney,
Back to my chimney,
Back to my chimney,
Santa, please come back to my chimney,
You can come back here,
Please do!
‘Cause daddy made a brand new chimney
Just for you this year!

Dorothy oh goodness
Yeah – this kind of makes Lady Gaga’s song sound tame.

Okay, to be fair, yes, this song probably was meant to be innocent (though I harbor some doubts). But let’s face it, the innuendos are fairly evident. It’s kind of like a Groucho Marx joke that on the surface seems clean but it’s actually dirty the more you think about it. It just can’t be dirty in your face.

That’s what I take away from this song. It’s a wink-wink-nudge-nudge song for adults and a song about Santa for kids.

I had never heard this song before so I did some research about it. Evidently, Ms. Fitzgerald wasn’t too keen on it and neither were her lawyers, so much so that they tried to block its airplay and release. But after her passing in the 1990s, the song started showing up on CDs and received airplay. That to me is proof enough that there was less than innocent intent behind it. Why else would a musician try to prevent her own material from being released?

In any case, this song claims my top spot for being subtly dirty and, no, I’m not a person who tries to listen for this kind of stuff in songs. Regardless, it’s not some of Fitzgerald’s best material and it’s probably a song she was glad to forget, too.

Link (in case you’re just dying to hear this):

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’m going to wash my ears out with some hot cocoa.
steaming cup


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